©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
                                    and
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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So you all recovered from Halloween?  Makes me wonder...bunch of strangers
coming to our doors dressed in costumes so that you cannot recognize them...
and instead of calling the cops...we give them treats....go figure!  ;)  Anyway
if there are errors in today's issue...blame it on my kids....you know how hard
it is to type on keys that are covered in chocolate and caramel popcorn?  I
push the key and my finger sticks to it...this is going to be a long day!

working through this weekend to get a whole new section of the Funhouse
ready to be opened next week....this is one of the most exciting things that
I have done since starting Paul's Fun House...and it also finally brings my
wife on board as a partner...damn now she is going to want to change the
name to Judy's Fun House....it just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Donna, Keli, John, Terri, Barb,
D.A. Funk, Marsha, Colorado Kid.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes AT paulsfunhouse DOT com ">Jokes</a>

©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©
Lets start with a quickie:

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on
the equator,

It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿©
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

The old town blacksmith realised he couldn't work so
hard anymore.

He picked out strong young Bill Deville to become
his apprentice.

The old fellow was impatient and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told Bill,
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the
forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my
head, hit it real good and hard."

Bill is looking for a new apprenticeship.

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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
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©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1941 Robert Foxworth Houston TX, actor (Chase-Falcon Crest, Frankenstein)
1942 Larry Flynt magazine publisher (Hustler)
1942 Marcia Wallace Creston Iowa, actress (Carol-Bob Newhart Show)
1944 Keith Emerson England (Emerson, Lake & Palmer-Brain Salad Surgery)

1953 Jackie Zeman actress (Bobbie Spencer-General Hospital)
1953 Michael Zaslow actor (One Life to Live, Guiding Light)
1953 N Jan Davis Cocoa Beach Florida, PhD/astronaut (sk:STS-47)
1954 Ruben Guerrero Mexico, relay swimmer (Olympic-1968)
1958 Rachel Ticotin NYC, actress (Grace-For Love & Honor)
1959 Eddie MacDonald rocker (The Alarm-Knocking on Heaven's Door)
1960 Elizabeth Dennehy actress (Guiding Light)
1960 Fernando Valenzuela pitcher (Los Angeles Dodgers)
1960 Lyle Lovett country singer (Desert Rose Band, Give Back My Heart)
1961 Mags Furuholmen Norway, rocker (Aha-Take on Me)
1963 Rick Allen rocker (Def Leppard-Hysteria, Rock of Ages)
1964 Joe Leste San Diego Cal, rock vocalist (Bang Tango-Dancin' on Coals)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 1st negro player in NBA, (Celtic's Charles Cooper) Fort Wayne IN
1950 Puerto Rican nationalists try to kill President Truman at the Blair House
1951 1st atomic explosion witnessed by troops, NM
1951 Jet magazine founded by John H Johnson
1952 1st hydrogen device exploded at Eniwetok Atoll in the Pacific
1952 Fusion occurred for the 1st time on Earth
1954 Algeria begins rebellion against French rule
1954 India takes over administration of 4 French Indian settlements
1955 Time bomb aboard United DC-6 kills 44 above Longmont Colorado
1956 Delhi becomes a territory of the Indian union
1956 Indian state of Madhya Pradesh formed
1956 Indian states of Punjab, Patiala & PEPSU merge as Punjab protection
1956 Nagy government of Hungary withdraws from Warsaw Pact
1959 1st NHL goalie to wear a hockey mask (Jacques Plante)
1959 WOV-AM in New York City changes call letters to WADO
1960 Benelux treaty goes into effect
1962 Greece enters the European Common Market
1962 USSR launches Mars 1; radio contact lost before arrival at Mars
1963 Revolt against the Diem regime in South Vietnam
1964 George Blanda of Houston throws NFL-record 37 passes in 68 attempts
1964 Kansas City Chief Len Dawson passes for 6 touchdowns vs Denver (49-39)
1965 1st concert at Fillmore Auditorium, San Francisco
1965 Trackless trolley plunged into Nile River drowning 74 (Cairo Egypt)
1966 Indian Haryana state created from Punjab; Chandigarh terr created
1966 NFL awards New Orleans its 16th franchise (All Saints Day)
1966 William Dana in X-15 reaches 93 km
1968 US pro soccer 14 teams merged into 1 all star team
1969 Beatles' "Abbey Road," album goes #1 & stays #1 for 11 weeks
1970 1st regular season Giants-Jets game, Giants win 22-10 at Shea
1970 Discotheque in Grenoble France burns, all exits padlocked & 142 die
1971 Eisenhower dollar put into circulation
1972 Germain Gagnon scores 1st Islander hat trick
1974 Fire kills 189 in less than 25 min (Sao Paulo Brazil)
1976 Gilbert Is (Kiribati) obtains internal self-gov't from Britain
1977 Islander Goran Hogosta's only shut-out Flames 9-0-Trottier 4 goals
1979 Federal government made $1.5 billion loan to Chrysler

1981 1st Class Mail raised from 18 to 20
1981 3rd meeting of Giants-Jets, Jets up 2-1 with 26-7 win
1981 Antigua & Barbuda gains independence from Britain (National Day)
1982 Andrew "Dice" Clay & George Wendt appear in "Trick or Treatment"

1985 Nostalgia Television begins on cable
1987 22,000 run in NYC Marathon (won by Ibrahim Hussein of Kenya 2h11m1s)
1987 New Orleans Saints shutout Atlanta Falcons 38-0
1987 NY Jets retire Don Maynards #13
1988 Actor Jeff Goldblum & actress Geena Davis wed in Las Vegas
1988 Staten Island ferry gets 1st pay phones
1989 Scandinavian Airlines System bans smoking on many flights

1990 Rhetoric escalates as Bush likens Saddam to Hitler
1990 Sandra Miller awarded $100 for Mike Tyson fondling her breasts
1993 European Union comes into existence

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

   Indubitably
   Innovative
   Preliminary
   Proliferation
   Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

  Specificity
  British Constitution
  Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

  Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
  Nope, no more booze for me.
  Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
  Oh, I just couldn't....No one wants to hear me sing

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©¿©----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------©¿©

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©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless
we lose game five.
-Charles Barkley

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Greg absolutely hated his wife, Keli's cat decided to
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from
his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the
driveway.  The next day, he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away and the same again.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!  He
kept taking the cat further and further and the darn
cat would always beat him home.  At last, he decided
to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until
he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his
home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the Greg called home to Keli: "Keli, is
the cat there?"

"Yes", the Keli answered..."why do you ask?"

Frustrated, Greg answered:  "Put that son of a bitch
on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

©¿©------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks.
So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice.

The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the
problem is. "Your parrot has too much hook in it's
beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and
it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be
careful not to file it too far though, because if you
take too much off the bird will drown the first time
it has a drink."

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges
to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the
parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the
street. The pet shop guy inquires how the parrot is and
whether it is talking yet?

The parrot owner says "the parrots dead".

Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak back
too far, did he drown when he had a drink?".

Ex-parrot owner says "Heck no, he was dead before I got
him out of the vice!!"

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©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car
is total wreck.

It is covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood...

But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

A backwards poet writes inverse.

 ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

Which high-speed rail service came first?

A. The Japanese National Railways electrified Tokaido line.

C. British Rail HST 225 service between London and Scotland.
D. Amtrak service between Washington, D.C., and New York City.

<Answers in Next Issue!>

27/10

Last Issue's Answers:

What was the power source for the precursors of modern railroads?

A. Horse power

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: trivia-subscribe AT quizqueen DOT net.
©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Lets Say You COULD Get It Up. . Then What
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Cigarette Sex
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©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

The Rolling Stones circled New York's sprawling
Van Cortlandt Park in a yellow blimp emblazoned
with their red tongue trademark, announcing the
onset of their upcoming tour, a 40th anniversary
extravaganza:

        THE STEEL WHEELCHAIR TOUR

According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we
stay at home and become pillars of the community,
or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find
any communities that still needed pillars."

Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no
one could understand what Keith piped in with, as
Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin.

Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more
age-appropriate theme:

   "Under My Gums"
   "Dye It Black"
   "Let's Take a Nap Together"
   "You Can't Always Get What You Want,
    Without A Prescription"
   "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance"
   "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?"
   "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!"
   "Jumpin' Jack Flash (I've Got Gas, Gas, Gas)"
   "Sister Motrin"
   "Sleep Fighting Man"
   "Help Me Up"
   "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug"
   "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"

The tour, sponsored by Poli-Grip, Geritol and
Depends, will kick off Sept. 5 in Boston, Mass.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

The archives are strangely unavailable at the moment!

©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿©

Do you love Purehumour?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
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©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd
stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being
charged with what?

In-cider trading

©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿©

Collapse
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Bejeweled
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

<A Classic!>

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he
had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat,
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a
voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group
of them got together and approached a conference of Americans,
Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.

An American replied, "You must do something so the world will
respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans
have had respect since we helped win the World War against the
other two. See, you need to do something world-famous."

A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place
in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They
designed it and worked six months and finally completed it.
They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was
a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the
middle of the Sahara Desert.

An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your
reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic
spot to erect it."

The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the
Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to
dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!"

To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we
returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there
were all these Italians fishing off it."

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Women Are Not Supposed To
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Lets Help The Kid Up
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©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

Transsexuals in India exposed themselves to protest
at a new railway order banning them from travelling
in women's compartments on trains.

They sat on the Calcutta-New Delhi railway line before
being dispersed by the police in the protest in Bardhaman,
near Calcutta,

Some even lifted their saris and blouses to show off their
bodies and prove they did not have male sexual organs.

Satya Ranjan Das, of the country's railway police, told
Khabar Akhon TV news the ban was introduced following
complaints from female passengers.

He said: "It cannot be tolerated. They are not women, we
shall not allow them to travel in women's coaches."

A spokesperson for the protesters said: "We challenge the
railway authority to prove that we are men. We don't have
male organs - how do they put us in the category of men?"

In India, transsexuals traditionally live on the edge of
the mainstream society and earn their livelihood by
singing, dancing and blessing newborn babies.

Privately, some police officials feel implementing the
railway order might be difficult as most dress like women
and "proving their gender on the spot could be a hassle".

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news AT paulsfunhouse DOT com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant
for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who
should I give the check to?" The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll
take care of everything." "Fine," said the waiter. The next day the
headlines read: 'Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death'

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||]       C L A S S I CA L    G A S       [||||]

Toxicologists say Russian commandos probably pumped a gas containing
Valium into a Moscow theater to subtlely disable and disorient heavyly
armed Chechan rebels prior to Saturday's dramatic assault.
(LAD/10/27)

Using a technique they learned from the owners of LA's trendy
nightcrawler oasis, Ivar.

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two
single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a
time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little
friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of
his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he
drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back
his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he
walk?"

With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and
asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and
retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in
Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

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©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

Over one weekend, our agency, as well as a neighboring
county, took several reports of counterfeit twenty and
fifty dollar bills being passed. Even though the
transactions were taped, the female suspect was savy
enough to wear a ball cap and clothes that made it
difficult to distinguish her features. As the weekend
passed, and we investigated as well as taking more
reports, we realized that a male was returning expensive
items that the female purchased with counterfeit currency,
and of course receiving real money in return.

Monday mid-morning, we were called to a department store
where counterfeit had been passed. A male was returning
merchandise requesting a refund. The clerk, on top of
things, realized the time frame and register number
matched when counterfeit bills were passed, and called
us. The male was still present when we arrived... but
there is more.

The male provided consent to search his vehicle. Inside
I found several items of new merchandise. One he was
kind enough to tape a receipt from another department
store to... another store where counterfeit had been
passed over the weekend... and that transaction number
matched the one provided earlier by the store.... but
there is more.

He was arrested and taken to our office. After denying
knowledge of any counterfeiting, and claiming he returned
the items at his girlfriend's request, our Chief
Investigator checked his wallet. Inside was the original
fifty dollar bill that had been used to make copies of
the counterfeit fifties... with the same serial number.

And believe it or not, he still denied knowledge of the
counterfeiting until the Secret Service paid him a visit
the following day.

©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©

Caller (in panic): My hard disk crashed! What should I do?

Tech Support (calmly): Did you back up?

Caller (extreme panic): Why?? Is it gonna blow?!?

©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿©

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"AN OPEN LETTER TO THE SNIPER"

Dear Mr. Sniper:

You thought you were so smart, didn't you? You thought you
could keep terrorizing us, keep shooting innocent people
through the trunk of your blue Chevy Caprice, while the
police searched for a white van with a ladder rack and
picked up unlucky illegal aliens whose only crime was
entering the country without first enrolling in flight
school.

You thought you could outwit the police, the FBI, and all
the people whose lives you were threatening, as though you
were invisible. You thought you could evade justice forever,
as though your last name were Simpson.

You learned to be a marksman in the Army, but
instead of fighting the enemy, you decided to become the
enemy. You bought a powerful rifle and began to hunt your
fellow humans, because deer hunting was too much of a
challenge for you. Far easier to stalk your prey at a gas
station than to wait futilely in the woods, while all the
animals, even the skunks, quickly disperse, wishing you had
taken a bath.

You "adopted" a 17-year-old and deputized him as Sniper
Junior. You were supposed to be a father figure, but the
only figure you could think of was $10 million. Enough cash
to acquire houses, cars and boats -- even an arsenal of
guns -- but no amount of money could buy what you needed the
most: honor, virtue and a whole lot of character.

You were so heartless, you made David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz
feel darn good about himself. He and other inmates exchanged
hugs, saying, "Oh heavens. How can anyone be so bad?
Thank goodness he's on the outside!"

You didn't care if your victims were young or old, black or
white, rich or poor. Who did you think you were working for,
the equal opportunity division of the mob?

The gun gave you a feeling of power, didn't it? So much
power that you called yourself "God," as though God would be
driving around in an old Chevy. Tell me something: If you
were God, how come you couldn't give yourself a good
haircut?

You must have enjoyed all the media attention, your 15
minutes of shame. You and Saddam Hussein dominated the
coverage, making some viewers think CNN stood for Crazy Nut
News.

It must have thrilled you that none of the so-called
experts -- psychiatrists, profilers, detectives, lawyers --
could sketch an accurate picture of you. You were so
confident, you taunted police about a shooting in Alabama,
not realizing they'd find enough evidence to nail you. You
thought you were so smart, but apparently not as smart as a
moose. Particularly Police Chief Moose.

In the coming months, some people will argue that you
shouldn't get the death penalty, that you'd suffer more in
prison, especially if they let you watch the Anna Nicole
Smith Show.

I've wavered on capital punishment myself. Is it a
deterrent? Is it cruel? Is it barbaric?

But every now and then, a killer like you comes along, a
cold-blooded, ruthless murderer who shows me what the debate
should really be about: electric chair, lethal injection or
special gas from Russia.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
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